When I Wake Up

When I wake up, all the anticipation, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and pulsating pain will finally be gone.  Everything that has led to my twenty-year delayed surgery will just be bad memories that have have plagued and worn me down, yet have taught me some of life's greatest and most meaningful lessons again at my young chronological age. 

When I wake up, I will turn to my outstanding and exceptional medical team of doctors, nurses, receptionists, insurance specialists, physical and occupational therapists, and caseworkers or social workers to answer my unending questions, teach me the daily activities we take for granted, and fight for me as a patient and a person.

When I wake up, I will be emotionally vulnerable and physically dependent on my support team of star family members and friends who have been there to listen to me yammer, held me when I needed to be held,  and comforted me when I broke down crying.    The first face I want to see is my father, and then the rest of my family.    But, I have learned that the real meaning of family comes from the bonds made rather than blood born ties.

When I wake up, I will also learn yet again who my REAL friends are-- the ones there when I need them the most and ones who do and not just say.  I will be transported back to my teenage years when it was clear to me who my truest and dearest friends were versus the fake and fairweather friends who were there only during the superficial moments rather than the gut-wrenching and skin-deep moments. 

When I wake up, I will taste the sweetest, simpliest, and most meaningful moments with my family and closest friends.

When I wake up, I will finally be given the greatest gift: My quality of living and life that I have been forced to question when the pain left me in tears, bed bound, and the feeling that I was being burnt up alive.  I hope I will ask myself: "Why did I wait so long when I could have been free from the pain that has pulverized my bones, body, and spirit?"  When I wake up, I will make up for all that I lost for twenty years of my life by living out the rest of my years in the best of ways. 

Here is a glimpse of my 'Live List' that I will finally go for upon waking up and recovering:

• Learn to ride a bike
• Travel to China
• Walk on the Great Wall of China
• Travel around the world
• Slice in the water again for my lap swims that I have not been able to do in recent months
• Swim faster than ever to win the GOLD at the 2014 Transplant Games of America in Texas
• Walk up and down the stairs again without constant pain gnawing away at me
• Sleep soundly without numbing pain wrapping around me
• Go out and socialize again without fear that there will not be a chair for me to sit on when I need it
• Be with Mother Nature again on walks, with the warm sun on my back and the delicious taste of fresh air
• Resume my full love affair of food of cooking and baking with the ability to stand for longer durations than fifteen minutes
• Participate actively at major advocacy events and public speaking events
• Go on a hot air balloon
• NOT have to constantly balance my shoes
• Lose weight, thanks to the ability to move and groove again
• Make the purposeful and positive differences I intend to in the organ donation and transplant and arthritis communities
• Work on my next book all about my arthritis experiences

When I wake up, I will have many more years to celebrate my life with the many more items to add to my 'Live List,' many more people to connect and re-connect with, many more purposes I intend to fulfill, and many more actions to take to the promises I have made to myself and beyond. 

My deteriorating hip has never stopped me.  The pain never held me back.  Limitations were not in my language.  But, I have finally reached a point where the ongoing chronic pain has slowed me down to the point of frustration, anguish, and exhaustion are apart of my daily routine.  I have reached a point of intolerability of the pain.  I surely have had my share of pity parties and temper tantrums, but I have also had the bigger picture of how lucky I am with a support system that hoisted me up when I was I was down and how lucky I am to be alive and that there are alternatives to undo the damage that my congenital defect with my hip had done in this medically advanced 21st century.  Happiness and as much Acceptance I could muster were always my steadfast ways that came from within me and not from anyone or anything else.  My journey of living and life are still the same and will always be the same, but the bumps and potholes and twists and turns that arise unexpectedly are all what affect and change me.  It is solely up to me of how these changes take its toll on me. 

When I wake up, I am realistic that my road to recovery will not be easy.  There will be new pain from this new artificial hip and implantable ceramic on polyethylene items that I must tolerate and overcome.  My body must adjust to the artificial items and be fooled that the fake is real.  My fight  and adjustment requires patience and perseverance to a better me and better life that awaits on the horizon.  All the struggle will be worth everything.  I have purposefully taken myself out of my comfort zone of the pain I have known for too many years of my young life, the job that I have been accustomed to and know so well, and the life of struggles that I have identified with for far too long.  I do not know what lies ahead.  I do not have control of what is going to happen.  There is only so much that I have been able to plan and project.  And, now, I am just beginning to see that real courage was me making the choice to take myself out of what I have known and my comfort zone, and now to face off and endure the absolutely unknown, unpredictable, and unforeseen consequences that come about from my choice.  I have made my choice.  I have made peace with my decision.  I have come to accept the unknown that is to come.  I adjust and take things day by day and in stride with my smiles and strength that come from within me.  Nothing and no one can break me, unless I let it. 

When I wake up, my New Normal begins.  I will not be the same, and my life will never be the same again.  I will be a new me.  I will have my new life to live.   As I age, it is clearer than ever to me that there is so much of the simple to savor, love, treasure, and enjoy in life and especially from the people who have only enhanced my life and me in the process of getting to know them.  

When I wake up, I will have a better life.  I will be a better me, because I will FINALLY be alleviated of twenty years of chronic pain that has molded and made me stronger than I could ever be and in preparation for the questionable everything that is about to come.