I keep wondering if I made a mistake that I did not go through with the hip replacement surgery this Autumn.
I deliberately put off my hip replacement surgery this Autumn to live up the latest experiences. My book is on the way to hard copy publication. I had two public speaking engagements in Pittsburgh and then upstate New York in Albany in September and early this November (respectively). My imported buddies from Spain and Argentina visited me. My relatives from Hong Kong making the trek to celebrate my cousin's wedding. My built-out and big girl shoes were made, and I am still adjusting to them. I am slowly forming a bond with my long-lost half-sister and even longer-lost biological mother. I had massively meaningful gatherings with my buddies at the bowling alley and my parents over at my place bimonthly with my prepared wonton soup or roasted butternut squash for them prior to lounging on my couch to watch borrowed movies from the library. I savored and treasured every moment with a family member or friend with laughter and a sentimental smile.
Surely, Autumn was not the right time for my surgery when all these beautiful and amazing experiences had popped up in my life. Surely, I could get through winter with my feisty and fun-loving spirit. Surely, putting my trust in "timing"/"time" and my body was the ultimate right decision.
Surely is actually unure right now.
Because, these are the harsh reality checks that are here and now:
I can't walk up more than a flight of stairs anymore; The elevator is now my best friend. I can no longer stand for more than five minutes straight without sitting; Chairs are my solace. I can only walk about 15-20 minutes at most; Rest is a necessity. Every single day and just about twice a day, I have to put on external analgesics to numb the twisting pain; Thank heavens for peppermint and menthol-infused Icy Hot and Bengay. Swimming has been upped to stretching intently in the warm water pool; I worship water. I have to see my osteopath at least every other week as this brutal month of Mother Nature showed my joints in reverbrating and sharp aches and pains with her power outage, flooding, and howling wind fury.
These reality checks are making me ponder sadly about the past.
I keep thinking of then. THEN must be at least two years ago. I bounded up three flights of stairs and didn't think twice about the elevator. I walked at least two or three rounds around my apartment complex, waving to newbie neighbors. I did not need any kind of smelly cream or ointment that made my co-workers wrinkle their noses and ask: "What is that smell?" I could go a month without seeing my osteopath.
These reality checks make me into a warped and emotional monster when I look at the surfaced people around my age that surround me. I seethe with putrid and green envy when my co-workers are able to bound up the stairs or walk many rounds around our lush work campus that overlooks the beauty of the Hudson River. A combined guilt and gratefulness fills me when the kindness of my friends and family say: "Let me walk alongside you...let me know if I'm walking too fast," or "Do we need to take a taxi?" Bitterness tightens its grip around me in a strangling hold with questions of: "Why Me?" and craving to erupt with an almost volcanic anger towards physically healthy people around my age: "Do you know what it is like to live with chronic pain? Do you know how pain kidnaps and imprisons you to the point of exhaustion and fatigue? Do you know how it monumentally sucks that I can't pop in any pill like Aleve or Motrin to alleviate the pain due to maintaining my kidney function? I have no choice but to deal with this chronic pain."
Most of the time, I am able to completely bypass the bitter, envious, and angry traits of this monster that lurks and happens to emerge when the chronic pain absolutely debilitates my body and spirit. Well, this monster has emerged in the last couple of days after my body writhed in pain. It is only on the very brink of my pity party that I fight to find the Buddha in me.
The key concepts of Buddhism is letting go and detachment-- two concepts that I have struggled with nearly my entire life, but let me confess that it is when I fall into my "human nature" of remembering the past in remorse and face the harsh and true realities of the present pain in my life that I glimpse the Buddha in me. Oh, the dearly jovial Buddha with the protruding fat belly and joyful round face. I've been told that I resemble a kind of Buddha, so why not live out the qualities of the Buddha that I physically appear to be? I close my eyes and I can almost imagine inhaling incense, sitting cross-legged as I bask in quiet and calm meditation at the Buddhist temple, and eating leafy greens to finish off the Buddha fest.
The Buddha in me fully knows that it is human nature to remember the past and wish it could stay the same, yet knowing that nothing and no one ever stays the same because we have to face truth in order to fulfill and live out growth.
The Buddha in me knows I cannot keep tormenting myself if I made a mistake with not going through with my hip replacement surgery this Autumn, nor can I torment and begrudge the good health and happiness of others that are around my age with my self-inflicted bitterness and anger.
The Buddha in me is more than aware that anger and bitterness drains a person out even more than the chronic pain, and it is only through calmness, prescence, acceptance, patience, and understanding that all of this happens for the reason to make you stronger and to make a difference to others who have it worse to learn from them or others who have it better for you to show them how lucky they are.
The Buddha in me knows that timing is just about everything in life. There is a time for certain experiences to occur and live in, people to come into your life, and people to leave your life. I was blessed with two new people who came into my life who brought me new perspectives that I keep with me as the greatest and most treasured gifts. It is questionable if these people or if all people that are presently in our lives will stay forever, but I believe at the core of me that time with all people is never wasted-- even if that person were to leave or drift away. The Autumn timing of these present-day and harsh reality checks probe me that my surgery is a necessity in the Spring 2013.
But, probably the greatest aspects of the Buddha in me could fulfill and not just know is that everything is a matter of perception to to truly let go to then move forward in life. Fulfillment of these aspects have yet to occur because the Buddha in me is a true work in progress, but the greatest truth is that we are all just imperfect human beings that are rough drafts working towards our very own, yet just about non-existent masterpiece
Here is to the rough draft Buddha in me that forges forward to whatever my life should bring! :-)
Keep smilin' until we meet again,
Mary :-)
