The Anticipation and Aftermath Phases

Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with avascular necrosis and osteoarthritis in a cold and sterile pediatric orthopedic surgeon's office.

Six years ago, I was suspected to be born with hip dysplasia as the core diagnosis that led to avascular necrosis and arthritis that had manifested to severity when I tried to find my saving grace in osteopathic services to alleviate the worsening pain that ate me up alive. 

Six months ago, I turned thirty years old, and celebrated for almost two weeks with the people I loved and cared about the most. 

In five days and counting, I will be sitting in my adult orthorpedic surgeon's office to finally discuss at length about my at least ten year delayed hip replacement surgery in full-fledged depth.  The walls will feel like they are closing in. I will glance at my father for reassurance yet again on this next chapter of my life.  My orthopedic surgeon is well-chiseled with a sharp jaw, fine features, and strong and deft hands that will cut me open and try to undo all the congenital damage that started twenty years ago.  I place my life literally in his hands and hope for the best.  I try to gather my courage about what is ahead with learning who my real friends are that will stand by my side in these upcoming challenging times.  I try to hope that people will miss my abscence rather than forget my prescence.  I try to simply let go. 

These years, months, and days that lead up to five days are "The Anticipation Phase." This anticipation phase is laced with analyzing, worries, anxieties, and nerves that create the hardened and heavy shell that invisibily encase me and the distant and distancing radiating from me.    The anticipation phase inflicts what I called "the fuchsia feelings"...no distinct color, but an over abundance of colors and feelings that eat me up.  I smile and am suave on the surface as I hide these secrets that weigh me down in a heavy heap.  I crave to break my false facade and share my secretive burdens and spin cycle of thoughts, but when I try, I stammer and choking giggles erupt from my mouth.  My confused, innocent, and sweet friends are unable and uncertain of how to help me when I cannot even help or even understand myself.  Only my family (particularly my father) and my closest friends since childhood will understand and go through the motions of this self-created barrier during this anticipation phase.

After the truth is revealed, the critical phase known as "The Aftermath Phase" will begin.  This phase is laced with months and days of actions for me to accept and fulfill the choice or decision that I consciously made.  The "fuchsia feelings" will return, consisting of a combined force of relief and reality.  Happiness will warm me that people will finally know the truth.  I will be blanketed in a blur of planning and explaining.  The ripple effect of my choice and actions will change all those around me, and especially me. 

Throughout my life, I was convinced that we experienced only one life-transforming moment at a time.  A first kiss.  A wedding.  The birth of a child.  The last breath from someone we loved. Without a doubt, I was sure that those singular moments changed our lives.  But, now I know the truth.  Now, I know that the many moments in the anticipation phase and in the aftermath phase are what change our lives and change us. 

I am no longer scared of what the orthopedic surgeon and I will discuss when I look into his blue eyes and swoon over his chiseled and fine features.  I welcome this next chapter and the upcoming moments that will make me and change me.  I only tremble with trepidation when I go through these motions of the anticipation and aftermath phases.  But, I tremble forward and hold my head high over these motions and moments in the anticipation and aftermath phases will make me stronger with the most unbreakable spirit and strength ever imaginable.